Being in a relationship is fucking hard sometimes. Being single is fucking hard sometimes. Being in a relationship is often amazing. Being single is often amazing.
It’s so hard to know what are normal feelings, emotions, reactions versus what are over the top emotions, over-reactions. Our egos step in the way and cloud our judgements, I find, often until it’s like we’re in a pub, back when you could smoke at the bar, and you can’t see from the front door to the back of the room because of the smokey haze.
My partner and I have been through a lot together. He’s a sensitive, anxious darling, which can occasionally drift into complete self-centredness because he’s so focused on what he’s thinking and feeling. Most of the time I can’t say that this is a negative. He’s come a really long way from when I first met him. Making small talk with the cashiers at the shops was an ordeal, with him commenting “They asked me how I was, and I answered and then I commented on the weather!” with pride.
Fast forward to now. He arrived home this morning at 6:30am after taking himself off to a warehouse party, alone. I pleaded with him not to go. Remember how we went out last night? Remember how we went out 2 nights last weekend? I don’t see you or spend time with you in the week. You can’t afford this. You are still paying off you debt to me and your credit card. Plus, what am I supposed to think? You’re going out at midnight and won’t be back until morning? Blah blah blah blah.
Would it be different if I was going with friends? Yes! Well I don’t have any friends! This is me trying to make friends! Oh because you’re going to make some swell friends going to a fucking warehouse party on your own. Top quality people. Why don’t you try a normal way to make friends, like playing basketball or something? Why do you have to go out and get fucked up?
Sigh. He went.
I am 30 years old. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a relationship with a 16 year old. I keep asking myself, is this going to get better? Am I going to have a normal relationship with this person? Will I get to have children, or is the fact that I already have one big, 29 year old child going to get in the way of that?
Time will tell.